How to Handle Big Siblings & Newborn Feedings

"How am I going to feed the baby and entertain my older child(ren)?"

I receive this question at almost every prenatal visit when I'm working with a family who has at least one older child. Its especially common when the older child is a toddler. Caring for a newborn with older siblings can be a lot to handle and take some time to get your footing.

As a postpartum doula, I have some tips and suggestions for just this scenario. Sometimes the tips work, and other times we may need to get more creative!

If it's a time when I'm there, that's a bit easier. While not all children will immediately feel comfortable with a stranger like me in the home, I'm able to distract the older child, provide a snack or drink, read them a book, play outside, or a variety of other things to keep the older child happy while Mom can tend to baby.

But inevitably, there will be many times when the parent is with two children and no other adults in the home. And then the big question comes up... "how do I feed the newborn and entertain the toddler?"

Luckily I have a few tips for this! I recommend grabbing the book "Peaceful Parents, Happy Siblings" by Dr. Laura Markham. A few of these tips come directly from her, specifically pages 247-249. This won't be easy, especially at first. You're learning how to feed your newborn and your older kiddo wants your attention. Even the smallest requests are relatively unachievable during this time, as feeding your new baby will take all of your mental space, efforts, and attention. However there are some ways to keep siblings occupied while you are busy caring for your newborn.

Realistic Tips You Can Implement Right Now

1. Spend quality time with the sibling before feeding the baby, and set a clear transition.

Find a way to connect with your older child in a meaningful way and consider connecting using their love language. Then, prepare your child for the end of play and your need to transition to feeding the baby. Bonus points for getting belly laughs, as this will help release energy and fears for the child. Give a small warning when playtime is up then explain what is next for the sibling, such as a snack, movie, book, or art.

2. Welcome your child to stay close during feedings.

You may have to logistically figure out how this will look. It will require a spacee that is able to accomodate you, baby and your older child(ren). This might mean that feeding in a single-seat rocking chair is only done at night. However, if you have a comfy place to feed in the child's bedroom, they could stay close by playing in the same room. Setting up a breastfeeding space at a longer couch or snuggled up in your bed may work better for your needs, too.

Remember that all families have different needs, wants, expectations, personalities, and levels of development, meaning that if you have a toddler struggling with physical boundaries or hitting/scratching/hair pulling behaviors might not find this tip as helpful, as keeping baby safe and mom regulated is a high priority too. The goal is to keep the child regulated and understanding of expectations so they can safely be nearby during a feeding.

3. If your child is developmentally ready, consider dedicating a shelf or drawer in your home as a place for sibling snacks.

And these snacks are only allowed when you are feeding the baby. Siblings can get their own snack (but may need your help to open) and can eat it alongside you and your newborn with little worry about making a mess. A special water bottle or a special drink are fun at this time too.

Saying connection-forward things too such as "See, its snack time for you and baby! We all love eating together as a family and filling our bellies don't we? What a treat!" or "This is one of my favorite parts of our day! You and baby are both having a snack! What do you think baby is thinking about while he/she eats?" This can encourage more of a sibling bond and a stronger awareness of what baby is doing, and how food is an important part of our days.

4. Read a book together.

Allow her to pick a few books and read while you feed. Depending on her age, books like "I Spy" or other hidden picture books are very fun, as your child will do alot of the work herself but you can easily participate too. Keeping these books specific to feeding times will keep the book more exciting too as children tend to thrive with routine and knowing what to look forward to.

5. Let him engage in a parallel caretaking activity.

Have your child pick a doll or other stuffie and he can mimic your actions. If you are breastfeeding, allow him to nurse his baby. If you bottle-feed, allow him to bottle-feed is baby as well. Same goes with burping, diapering, soothing, and bathing too. You can engage your child by asking him to tickle baby's feet, changing his baby's clothes, and singing nursery rhymes as well. Let him name his baby, kiss his baby's head, and focus on what he's doing. This is still a version of play, so don't take it too seriously or overcorrect any of your toddlers "techniques." You may learn something about your child through observing this. It can be so, so sweet to watch!

"What to do when my child still climbs all over me when I'm feeding my newborn?"

In the future, work to release that energy and desire to physically connect in advance. Roughhousing, tickles, hide and seek, and other physically active activities allow for the connection as well as a temporary rush to occur before its time to focus. Consider it like recess before a class session. Speaking of recess, time outdoors can work wonders too. Even just a simple walk to the mailbox can help.

When the going gets rough, do what you need to do to make it through this tough, short time.

Maybe older sibling likes the bath; consider setting up a bath for older sibling and then feeding baby in the bathroom.

Maybe olde sibling likes play dough; set up a safe spot for play dough and pull up a chair to feed baby.

Or, in this day of technology, maybe sibling will be content to play with your phone. They could video call Grandma and Grandpa, use the flashlight, or take pictures. If you are afraid of them calling or texting anyone, turn your phone on airplane mode and then verify afterwards that nothing will be sent before you turn it back off.

"What to do if my child does not want to do any of these things, and still only wants me?

This may be a sign that your child is still seeking connection with you. Some options during days like these include singing songs, telling stories, playing a live version of I Spy or Simon Says, words of affirmation, or a gentle touch or snuggle once your newborn is feeding. Continue on this path for a few minutes until you sense your child is ready for a transition and then lovingly offer one of these options again.

There you have it, moms and dads. A big, long blog article geared to help you and your entire family all work together to make daytime feedings more enjoyable for your whole crew.

Bottom line though...follow your intuition. No one knows your family and your children as well as you. You are doing a lot. And you are doing a great job. It isn't easy. You got this!

Stay blessed,

Markie

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